Mental Health Ofrenda: Making Room for our Family’s Humanities, Too

Mis queridos familiares y amistades,

This one is hard for me to write. Maybe talking about tu familia brings up the same feelings for you, too. Ven y siéntate conmigo. I want to share with you.

Nuestras primeras heridas comienzan con nuestra familia. Our family holds power in their words, actions, tone, body language, and facial expressions. Our sweet, younger selves notice and feel these in our bodies and hearts. Family can help us feel loved and protected as much as they can also cause profound pain.

Pero, a veces, no es tan fácil como decir que nuestra familia es buena o mala. If we look closely, we quickly see that family and trauma are complicated and messy.

Mi papá, mi mamá, y yo

These are truths about my papi and mami:

I love them deeply. My heart aches when I think about them being gone one day.
Before they were parents, they were just people. They are ordinary humans like me.
They carry wounds from their childhood. Llevan su niñez con ellos.
They are on individual journeys of self-discovery, healing, and learning. Aprenden cada día.

*A young Magaly exploring her surroundings and putting chalk in her mouth*. *Photo contributed by Magaly Arredondo Lopez*

As a child, I got in trouble at school for being talkative, interrupting teachers, or being mean to kids. I was also spunky and friendly. I loved pretending I was a teacher, bringing rocks home to “study,” and watching “Dora the Explorer.” I was Dora the Explorer! Era terca, ruidosa, e inquieta. Sitting still or wearing skirts without showing my chones was hard, y’all! My mami was our primary caretaker and as much as she gave me love and affection, she also gave me my nalgadas y castigos. As a kid, I thought my mami was just an enojona or too strict. Now, I think my mami was tired and overwhelmed a lot. My mami and papi were struggling financially and in their marriage.

As a teenager, I often felt a sense of deep frustration about my family. As the youngest hermanita, I often did not know exactly what was going on with family conflict. We did not have conversations to discuss any family problems, so I felt groundless during stressful times. Sometimes, I would hear about conflict or my parents would have a rough spot in their marriage, but then it would go away. Did it ever really go away though? When was my familia taking the time to heal or repair their relationships? Was everyone really okay? Was I okay?

*A 14-year-old Magaly at her 8th grade awards ceremony with her mami and papi.* *Photo contributed by Magaly Arredondo Lopez*

Me sentía perdida y sola. In middle school, I started to self harm because it felt like a way to control and express my fear, anxiety, sadness, and anger. It was a lonely time. Eventually, someone at school told a teacher and I had to tell my mami. Fortunately, she did not judge me and later helped me start therapy in 9th grade. Each time she picked me up from school and took me to therapy was an act of deep love and solidarity.

*A 22-year-old Magaly as a recent college graduate.* *Photo contributed by Magaly Arredondo Lopez*

As a young adult, I continued a long journey of mental health challenges, self-discovery and growth. In middle and high school, I felt a natural curiosity about all bodies and later realized I found girls attractive. I told one friend, but mostly hid this. In college, my sexual curiosity and attraction to women grew and I could no longer deny my queerness. When I was 20, I told my parents and siblings I was queer. My siblings embraced me with love and care. While my parents did not judge or deny me a place in their family, their response was ambiguous. We did not talk about it much, but I was just grateful to be welcome in their home.

When my parents left Mexico, they were in their mid-20’s, newly married, and building a life in a new country. One of the primary ways that they found community in Austin was through church. In each church we attended, we were taught that being gay was a sin. Our family’s relationship to church and religion made it really challenging for me to accept and understand my own queerness.

*Magaly with her partner Tesia during the first year of their relationship.* *Photo contributed by Magaly Arredondo Lopez*

In college, I left the church. Years later, I met my partner Tesia. We started dating the fall after I graduated college and fell in love. Two months into the relationship, I told my parents. They did not say much, but there was this felt sense that we did not need to talk about it and that it was not a good time for Tesia to come over. That Christmas was the loneliest I ever experienced. I stayed away from my parents for the first time in my life. I was hurt and angry. How could they not embrace me as I am? Why not just support me and accept my new relationship? I envied my sister and brother; they got to have their partners at holidays and get togethers. Their relationships were seen as normal. Pensaba que no pertenecía a mi familia y que no era suficiente. I felt alone again.

Crecer, llorar, y sanar

Gracias a Dios y al Universo y a lxs Ancestros, mi vida ha cambiado mucho. Since that rough time with my parents, we have all grown so much! Poco a poco, mi amor Tesia became a part of our familia. Mi mami y mi papi han aprendido a quererla profundamente. How can you not love someone like Tesia who is kind, soft, thoughtful, and makes me feel so loved?

Even before this positive shift, I realized something profound about my mami and papi: they are human beings, too. Learning that my parents are people who are trying to figure life out just like me gave me so much more capacity for compassion, forgiveness, and empathy. It allowed me to forgive them. There are still days, weeks, or seasons when a wound is triggered and I feel angry and sad all over again. I am still healing every day, but this clarity allows me to heal and feel anger or sadness while still loving and embracing my parents deeply.

Mi ofrenda para ti

Family trauma is deeply painful: It is often a weight we carry with us. Sometimes, it gets in the way of us forming new, healthy relationships or friendships. Sometimes, it causes us to experience depression or anxiety. Mis queridxs, we cannot ignore it. Escúchame por favor:

You are worthy of healing from the emotional and psychological pain of family trauma.
You are capable of healing and experiencing joy outside of your family trauma.
It is okay if, for your own well-being, you need to spend time away from your family.
Exprésate! Whether through writing, singing, dancing, sports, drawing, therapy, or talking to friends and family, let it all out. Then, there is more room for joy, laughter, love, and beauty.
Honor your inner child. The younger version of you survived and got you where you are. That beautiful child is still with you; take care of them.

You are allowed to take your time healing. There is no rush or shame in still feeling sadness or anger about things you went through. Eres suficiente. No estas solx.

Gentle note: Sometimes we need a little help. If you or someone you know is considering self-harm, suicide, or is simply having a tough time, consider reaching out to the following numbers. No estas solx.

Si quieres ayuda / If you want help: